Stay Classy Red Stick

Note: Mrs. Hullabaloo does not claim ownership of the original article. This is a satircal remake. So that's my legal disclaimer and I'm sticking to it.


Fightin Tigahs Ain’t Got Nothing to Worry ‘Bout
Jim Kleinpeter, Times Pick-a-sheet Hack Writer

Red Stick -- A meeting between Baton Rouge police and five four LSU football players accused of beating the crap out of a U.S. Marine involvement in a bar fight has been postponed indefinitely until Tuesday, Baton Rouge Police public information officer Sgt. Don Stone was paid off to say said Sunday.

Jordan Jefferson is one of four LSU football players scheduled to chill out for a while, just for appearances meet with the Baton Rouge Police Department for questioning in a bar fight early Friday morning off campus.

The meeting was scheduled for Monday morning. ,but was quickly kiboshed until they can all agree which one, other than T Bob and Jefferson, to pin the head kicking felony on.

Gloria Allred Nathan Fisher, who is a donor and SuperFan has represented LSU thugs athletes in legal matters in the past and successfully skirting NCAA improper benefit rules, requested more time to rehearse and get everyone's stories straight, pay off the laundromat to ditch the videotapes prepare with the four five players -- senior quarterback Jordan Jefferson, sophomore lineman Chris Davenport, sophomore linebacker Josh Johns and freshman wide receiver Jarvis Landry, and T Bob Hebert, son of Bobby Hebert, but he was protected yet again.

"We just got the case at 8 a.m. today (Sunday)," Fisher said. "I just met with the kids this morning, we're talking about players here, we got to rehearse real slow like and need more time."

Baton Rouge Police have no plans to made no arrests or specified charges. Police wanted to meet with the players to take some group pictures, run through some cheers together get "their side of the story," according to Stone.

Fisher said he has spoken to witnesses who will change their stories to support the LSU players' account. Fisher also said that these players aren't gonna talk anyways even if they do go to this so called "meeting."

Attorney Michael Bienvenu is representing the four injured men, who received treatment at two area hospitals after the fight, which occurred about 1:30 a.m. Friday morning at Shady's, an off-campus bar south of LSU. One of the victims had a serious injury and the others had minor injuries, police said.

Bienvenu would not release the names of the victims because fans of the outhouse are completely nuts and can't be trusted to act civil but said they plan to press charges. Andrew Lowery of Baton Rouge confirmed to The Daily Reveille that he was one of the four involved. He has declined comment and is receiving death threats as we speak should he open his mouth in public again cause that's how they roll in Red Stick, just ask Jonathan McKnight's family when he turned down a scholly offer.

A Baton Rouge TV station that is now being picketed and boycotted because they are THAT immature and petty in Red Stick reported Sunday that witnesses who've now been paid off to change their story said Jefferson kicked one of the victims in the head. Stone confirmed the accusation that one of the players kicked one of the victims in the head but has been paid off to conveniently not recall could not identify who it was.

Stone said at least one of the four players will be just fine, don't y'all worry could be charged with second degreee battery, which is a felony and entails serious bodily injury. If convicted, the crime carries a maximum five-year jail sentence and up to a $2,000 fine. But Les Miles REALLY put his foot down and scared the crap out of everyone already by making them RUN on Friday, so that's punishment enough Simple battery is a misdemeanor and carries no jail sentence.

The incident began after the driver of a truck honked his horn at a group of people blocking his way in the parking lot, according to Stone. The driver was one of the injured.

LSU Coach Les Miles ,in an Oscar-worthy performance, angrily denounced the incident in a Saturday press conference and has begun disciplinary measures for players breaking curfew, calling it "a team violation." Players were forced to run (!) (oh gawd, no!!) as punishment when they returned to practice Saturday. See, this running this was punishment enough. Scare em straight.

Neither Miles nor police care to know the number of players present when the fight occurred, but a source close to the team who's now clammed up said as many as 50 players had gone out Thursday night to celebrate the end of two-a-days practice.

The source said it was a tradition since the players had Friday off and school begins today. He said had there not been a fight, there wouldn't have been any running or other discipline. Party Poopers

Jefferson's father, John, changed his story YET again said his son told him he left the scene shortly before the fight started. Jefferson is a two-year starter from St. Rose who has a 20-7 record as a starting quarterback. His availability for No. 4 LSU in the season opener against No. 3 Oregon in the Cowboy Classic in Arlington, Texas, could be in jeopardy. So we have GOT to tie this up in a neat bow pronto

Davenport from Mansfield, Johns of Baton Rouge and Landry of Lutcher are reserves and are not likely to play, although Landry is a highly touted newcomer and is expected to see playing time this season. And T Bob Hebert is getting yet another stern lecture from his Dad to quit getting caught.

CANNONBALL!!!!